Thursday, January 20, 2011

A parody: Salad Inn and the Sarah Cents

Author's note: This is a parody on the famous Saladin, a ruler in the Middle East who moved against the European Crusaders. Thought of as a great general, ruler and a respected opponent, Saladin and his army of Saracens have been immortalized in history for their feats. This story was never written in a derogatory sense toward Saladin or his Saracens, and is not meant to play on religious, national, political or social discrimination and should be enjoyed in humour.
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"Knowest thou, O Prince, that there was once an innkeeper of such epic epicness that the world could not help but bow down in respect, of this man (who has now been genealogically linked to Chuck Norris and Rajnikanth) and his deeds. This is the story of how Salad Inn got his name, and how the Sarah Cents found him.
"This is a tale of the Purse-ian Umpire, the same one who declared both Britain and Australia to be infidels in the last test match and declared them both disqualified. The Purse-ian Umpire was a man aged and old, his teeth falling off, but no one would say that the Umpire was weak- they would say he was vigorous, and showed his age well. Even his teeth fell off with vigour, so they said, and thus it must be true.
"The Umpire felt out of zest, one fine morning when the sun was hidden under a storm cloud and the monsoons had begun to drop lions and wolves out of the sky, because the Earth had decided that if anymore cats and dogs rained, then the Umpire's team would suffer from indigestion and obesity. 'At least,' said the Umpire, 'the lions and wolves will keep our team in shape. Those infidels are trying to win at Jerusalem, and that we cannot allow! We must whip their white behinds with a score of 0 runs to 11 wickets, or 1100-not out...'
"And thus the team was in shape when the one day match against Ireland began.
"Now, there was a large delegation from the Americas as well, to observe whether it would serve their political interests to assemble a cricket team. Among them was the famous and most esteemed supreme airhead, the great Sarah Cents. Now, you must understand, O Prince, that Sarah Cents was always referred to as "the Great" or even "the Sarah Cents." Apparently, O Prince, she traced her lineage to Alexander the Great and did not see why they could not call her great as well. 'The fact,' she said, 'that Alexander was born in Greece is nonsense. Why, he was born in America. All good things are born there, and I attended his funeral when I was but a lady of twenty four, and in all my forty years of life I have never heard such nonsense. And that was only two years ago.'
Of course, the Sarah Cents was a force to be reckoned with. The Sarah Cents could lock herself into a room and after arguing extensively with herself, come up with seventeen opinions on whether up was down. Perhaps it was because of this massive brainpower that she was always clothed in a strait-jacket- but she was American, O Prince, and their ways remain mysterious.
"On the day of the ODI, O Prince, the Sarah Cents's aide, an obnoxious man by the name of Ayyam, met another obnoxious man by the name of Ihwaz. They argued extensively, Ayyam supporting his present, and Ihwaz holding on to the past.
"The argument disrupted the whole match, and thus both teams waited for the two to finish. In the midst of this, one man came, and asked them what they would have for lunch.
"Ayyam said, "I will have fourteen roast beetles, I must watch my weight."
"Ihwaz said, "Ihwaz watching my weight yesterday, and it seemed fine. Therefore make for me the camel's hump, and sprinkle it with honey, and with vinegar and four-day old eggs fresh from the landfill." While Ayyam pondered this and went green (not at the food but at the lavishness; you must understand, these were two men arguing over their identities- they cared much what they ate). The waiter, a humble man, relayed his orders to the under-waiter, who went to the over-waiter, who went to the head waiter, who complained of the cook being absent, as his own palate was none too healthy. Too many lemon juices, the head waiter said, and not enough roast beetles.
The humble waiter who had asked in the first place watched the arguements with interest. 'My lords, he said, I am but a humble waiter, what the hell are you two arguing about?'
"Ayyam said, 'You seem humble enough. Tell me, Ihwaz thinks the past is all.' The waiter frowned.
"You were thinking the past is all?" the waiter corrected.
"Ayyam shook his head. 'Ihwaz.' The waiter nodded.
"You were, my lord?"
"Ayyam wondered if the man was deaf, and decided to simplify matters by identifying with his hands who was who. He pointed first to himself. 'Ayyam,' he said. The waiter bowed.
"You are, my lord?" At which Ihwaz grew weary of the discussion and shook the waiter with all the force of a hurricane. The roast salad he had been eating flew out of the waiter's mouth, and Ihwaz pushed it back in.
"You are Salad Inn, from this day onwards," Ihwaz christened, irked at the man.
"As to who of them was correct, O Prince, whether Ayyam or Ihwaz, not even the Cambridge University was able to identify, but they did bring out a new thesaurus last month, I suggest you peruse it; it is informative.
"O Prince, Salad Inn went on to become of the best cooks of the world. Assissted by the supreme airhead the Sarah Cents he founded schools of warfare and cookery so that the world would be able to protect its food recipes and today is paid by multinational companies to invent new recipes for them.
"But O Prince, as for Jerusalem, alas. Salad Inn's chain of fast-food shops grew too large for the European Crusaders to exploit- so they decided to keep an eye on the pastries, suspected them of concealing AK-47's and car bombs, but they ate them all the same."